Being friends with an ex can be a double-edged sword.
You may be telling yourself “it is okay to be friends because there is no bad blood”, but what are you really gaining from it? And, if you are only keeping the connection open because you still have lingering thoughts about rekindling the relationship, then being friends with him will do the complete opposite.
He will think you can be is on-again and off-again fling whenever he wants you in his life. It sets the tone for zero relationship standards, showing him you are not worthy of a loving and fulfilling relationship.
And if you are the type of woman who wants a committed relationship, not just a fling, then you may be holding yourself back from forming a healthy attachment with a new guy by keeping the ex in the picture. Especially, if you still get butterflies when your ex’s nickname pops up on your phone.
His constant flow of text messages leaves you wondering what he will say next or if he is coming back. This is putting your energy towards him, not you. And if the chemistry was hot then, it definitely hasn’t disappeared. Chemistry rarely changes. So, are you wanting to just be friends or are you only trying to keep tabs on him so he can’t move on?
Staying friends with an ex will definitely hold you back from your own relationship goals. And, it is highly unlikely he is going to be the one introducing you to your next boyfriend.
Here Are 4 Questions To Consider On Whether or Not To Be Friends With Your Ex:
1. Does the relationship spell toxicity?
If you and your ex experienced any kind of abuse or manipulative interactions throughout the relationship, then being friends will not be healthy either. Once a connection is toxic, it can be very challenging to reverse the toxicity without the help of an expert. And if the relationship is over because of this, then being friends is out of the question.
Assuming that you find the lines to be blurred between on what is considered to be emotional abuse, then ask yourself how you feel after you talk to him.
Does he affect your relationships with your friends or co-workers?
Do you find yourself being more irritable or anxious?
Are you secluding yourself from social interactions?
Do you think poorly of yourself?
Are you avoiding dating because you’re afraid he will find out?
Being able to decide if it was a healthy or unhealthy relationship will determine if it is a good idea to be friends with him or not. Because keeping anyone toxic in your life will only bleed into your personal life and affect your decision making and well-being.
2.Is it affecting your new love life?
If being friends with your ex is preventing you from moving on in your love life then you are setting yourself for another heartbreak. Being at a standstill or in a state of confusion will hinder your ability in attracting a new love connection.
It can be extremely challenging to take interest in a new guy if you are busy comparing him to your ex. If you expect every new guy you meet to be just like him, you will continue to stay detached from any high-value man who wants to have a loving relationship with you. Keeping yourself closed off emotionally, mentally, and physically will put a hold on your love life.
Talking to an ex is like dead weight. It’s better to leave the past in the past, find your worth, and attract the exact man who will respect and value you like the queen you are. Because if you are still thinking about the past, it will be hard to focus on the present.
3.Do you have any reservations about a new boyfriend being friends with his ex?
Also, there are some drawbacks to staying friends with an ex. Let’s fast forward a few months and say you are actively dating. You start talking to this new guy and things are going great. One night you decide to mention you are best friends with your ex. This new guy is probably going to think twice about whether or not you are over your ex. Most men will find this to be a turn-off and possibly even pull away.
And on the flipside, what if this new guy tells you he is best friends with his ex?
How will that make you feel?
Will you be able to trust he has your best interest?
Does this make you think differently about him as a potential partner?
So, when it comes to pursuing your relationship goals, thinking from a “WE” mindset will be vital to building an everlasting loving relationship. If you can only see things from a “ME” perspective, then it will be challenging to understand what a man wants and how to keep intriguing him for years to come.
4.Are you planning on hiding this friendship from your new boyfriend?
Hiding an old flame as a friend is a recipe for disaster. More than likely, you are holding onto this old connection to toot your own horn, as a security blanket, or to potentially run back to him when something new does not work out. If you are holding on for your own insecurities, then you may want to take a break from dating and focus on you.
Healthy relationships come from two healthy individuals who value similar goals and unconditionally support one another in their endeavors. If you need a man in your life to sustain your emotional health, then every relationship yet to come will be emotionally difficult. You are bound to experience the same type of relationship, only the face will change.
When it comes to relationships, having healthy boundaries will support a firm foundation. If you are being dishonest from the beginning, you are more likely to burn the trust and lose out on a healthy connection. Having trust is a must for any connection to function and grow so you don’t fall through the cracks during a minor miscommunication.
Remember, staying true to who you are will be imperative to meeting your needs and achieving your love goals. Keeping an ex in your life can potentially hurt your chances at having a relationship you desire and deserve. And if there is one thing you can do for yourself, it is to find the courage to let go of the old in order to attract what you are looking for. Commit to yourself first and foremost because you are worthy of love and a healthy relationship.
Original article published on The Minds Journal